Struggling one year since you died x

Today is the day we found out Hannah died. It was a horrible devastating day. That middle of the night trip to the hospital, the lack of heart beat. The negative scan result. The realisation that she was gone. We named Hannah on this day. Still brings me to tears, it's just very sad losing our second little girl. I hate the way this has changed me for the worst. I feel like a shadow of the person I was on some days. 

This morning I lost all my pregnancy symptoms (sickness, thirst, tender breast etc). I am sad to think that maybe this is another failed pregnancy. Can only wait. Not doing pregnancy again if this doesn't work. It's not good for katie or me. 

Good news but still waiting for bad news

Now that title sounds depressing! Currently 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. I had a scan last Wednesday and the baby was doing fine and was about 8 weeks. Everything seems to be fine though I'm worried. Worried something will go wrong. Sort of holding my breath to see if I miscarry. I'm should be happy but I'm so anxious. I told myself before this pregnancy that if I had morning sickness then is know the pregnancy was going well . Well feeling pretty sick but I'm still analysing every feeling of 'sickness' wondering 'is this as intense as last time' and everytime I don't feel sick I worry something is wrong. I start to wonder if the sickness is tailoring off and thus something has gone wrong. I basically don't trust my body. I'm trying to pray and cast my anxieties to God but it's hard. I keep praying if it's another miss carriage it will happen quickly. I'm so unsure of things. One thing I'm feeling however is if this pregnancy isn't successful then I'm not sure I'll try again and of we do I'm have a good 6 months of not trying to get pregnant (in fact where I'll actively seek not too). I think in that time we will follow the adoption route. I just don't feel I can take it anymore. 

It's Hannah's anniversary on Sunday. What has happened to this year. I have been so costumed with greif and trying for another baby. The gap between Hannah and Esther will be the same as the gap between Hannah and this baby. I really can't give anymore of my time and energy away to pregnancy and trying to conceive. Im missing out on the one living daughter I do have. 

Praying so much for the desires of my heart to happen. I just pray I'll have strength if that is not the way. 

X 

Another likely loss

So I am pregnant for the 4th time. Katie born at 41 weeks, Hannah born at 36 weeks, Beansprout miss misscarriage at 11 weeks (developed to 5) and then number 4 Seedrick who is currently 4 weeks and 5 days but like Beansprout I lack symptoms. Having had two successful early pregnacy twice I know what it should be like. 

No food cravings (I craved salty crisps and fizzy water from day one), no crazy dreams, no tender breasts, no crazy weeing or waking in the night to wee and like Beansprout I'm getting mild cramping. I have a scan next Thursday when I'll be about 5 weeks 5 days but I'm not in much doubt. No idea why this is happening again. It brings me back to that fact something has happened as a result of either Hannah dying in Utero or something to do with her birth has damaged something. This sucks and words don't reflect the heaviness I'm feeling. It is Hannah's anniversary in a few weeks. I was sincerely hoping I would see Seedricks heartbeat before then. Instead I will be remembering 3 souls no longer here. Some more tangible than others but lost too soon all the same. 

Going to have to push for investigation work. I hope I get a nice doctor who will listen to me and take everything seriously.  I know there is a cause for these two misscarriages. I just hope medical science can ascertain what the cause is. I  will no be happy if the fob me off. It's so sad how long this has gone on and the energy it has absorbed. Katie was 19 months when Hannah died and she is now nearly 31 months. So much of her life has past and it saddens me that despite my best efforts my emotional energy has been on absorbed by loosing Hannah  and the hope for a sibling for Katie. It has interfered with me enjoying Katie so much. I try so hard to saver the joy she brings but sometimes sadness takes over. It is starting to look pretty likely that Katie will be put only child. Which I know should be fine but I still grieve for what may of been. 

I love you my beautiful baby girl Hannah who would be 11 months tomorrow 

Xxx 

Rant

Can I just rant?!?

How do you ladies ttc cope! It's so hard every month waiting. Every month I feel like I'm right back to when my daughter died. I replay everything in my head the day before I found out she had died and all the things that might have saved her. It feel like a double blow. I wouldn't even be ttc if she was here.  I want to give up as it so very heart breaking but then I don't want to either because I hope for a little rainbow. Feeling trapped. 

You've missed so much

Hannah you have missed so much since you left us. You have new a cousin, lots of little friends have been born, we've been on aeroplanes. Katie has learnt to do loads more talking, she's potty trained (almost), we've visited the beach lots, we had lovely times as a family on bike rides. We are always missing you our beautiful girl xx 

You would have done all these things too with us. You have missed learning to crawl and trying to eat food. You have missed millions of cuddles with your mummy, daddy and big sister. You have missed Katie playing with you and sharing a bath with her. You have missed wearing all of Katie's clothes (you would of lookinh adorable) and playing with her toys. They would of been both of your toys! You have missed seeing your mummy and daddy being so proud of you. 

You've missed getting to know and love your family. We've missed getting to know you and discovering your little personality. 

Hannah you are missing so much and we are missing doing it with you. I'm sorry you're not here preciously little girl xxx 

The 12 week scan anouncnents

Things are so tricky. I would of been 12 weeks pregnant today, instead I had to go to the EPU for a scan to confirm baby had gone. 

I seriously should close my Facebook account. Thus morning there were two pregnacy amouncements. I should be in that group! They've both obviously just had there 12 week scans like figured I would of been. It's hard to see. 

I seriously just don't get it. I wish I didn't have to go through this. It's sad I won't be having my baby at the same time they have their babies. I wish everything was simple. It certainly takes it tole dealing with hard stuff 

Sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky. This just sucks. 

It seemed like a happy ending

Well 4 weeks ago I got my much wanted positive pregnancy test after wanting it for 6 months. I was hesitant but excited all the same. This pregnancy has felt different from my others though. Not many symptoms and no real sickness. I was a worry. At 8 weeks I could bare it no longer and went for a private scan which confirmed my fears. The embryo only measured 5 weeks. So the journey continues. It's sad loosing this new pregnancy but I grieve more for Hannah. I miss her dearly x 

Miscarriage after stillbirth. Well sadly it happens