I don't like this place

I don't feel like I'm in a good place at the moment. Not anything too bad or anything. I think I've just run out of energy. I think I've been focusing my energy and my goals in the wrong direction. I keep hoping and have been for three months now to be pregnant. I know it won't fix anything and in truth that is just the first of so many hurdles to cross. And in reality I will be so full of conflicting emotions when it happens   it won't be easy. Conflicting in that will the baby be ok this time but also all the emotions associated with Hannah and the worry with the child replacing her. And I don't want that, ever! 

 

These are the hurdles I foresee but I imagine there will be even more! 

Getting pregnant

Getting to 12 weeks

Seeing a baby at scan 

Feeling the baby move 

Worrying about baby moving

Do we find out gender? 

Worrying about baby moving

Every appointment waiting for something to be wrong

Worrying about baby moving

Due dates and if there are any links with Hannah's dates 

Worrying about baby moving

Induction and timings

 Worrying about baby moving

Choosing virginal or section

 Worrying about baby moving

Being in labour

Worrying about baby moving

Giving birth

Seeing the baby for first time and how I feel if they are a girl or a boy

And look again I see my focus is wrong. I'm longing for that first hurdle to be crossed. I guess in honesty I need to place every step at the feet of Jesus because any one of them could not go the way I'd wish. 

It's hard and I know my focus is floored. I'm at the stage at the moment wondering if I'm pregnant. If I am in only about 2 1/2-3 weeks. Don't feel it yet. I keep second guessing pregnancy symptoms. I feel paralysed for two weeks waiting to see what the outcome is. I think things like I shouldn't go swimming or do exercise or drink wine or do anything that you shouldn't do when pregnant. I don't even know if I am. I can't live like this. It isn't healthy. I feel paralysed by the fear that I may jeopardise a baby that may or may not be there. Waiting for a baby that in truth may never come. I don't believe this though as Hannah and Esther both appeared very easily so I truly believe baby number three will also appear. This in its self isn't healthy, nothing is a given. just like Hannah being the second child we raised wasn't a given (as we thought). I m confused as to why a baby hasn't been conceived  yet. I feel a subsequent pregnancy started the day we decided to try again (and it will end the day they are conceived or we decide to stop trying). I have felt so out of control with everything since loosing hannah. I crave control but I have to change that thinking as we don't have control over these things. The silly and selfish thing is that we have a daughter already who we do get to raise. Beautiful katie is currently asleep in the room next door. I love her so much. Why am I focusing my energy and emotions into a child who may or may not be part of our family when I have a child we do get raise? I know what I need to do, just wish I could do it

...This is why I don't feel in a good place. 

Proverbs 3:5&6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.