For other grieving parents

I originally wrote this blog for myself to express how I feel and the sorrow of loosing Hannah. I looked at the statistics today and realised I am not the only one accessing this blog. I therefore wanted to address this those reading Hannah's story and our journey. I sincerely hope you can find rest in God. I just don't know how I would be getting through this without him x

 I have borrow this from another grieving mother but I resonate with these words so strongly 

'And for you, sweet grieving mothers, know this: there is hope. As time passes, the Lord will heal. He loves you. He has a plan for you that has included (and may still include) much pain, but one that is designed to make you more like Christ. Place your trust only in Jesus. If your joy and contentment is only coming from the hope of having children, it is misplaced.  Praise God for the opportunity to carry children in your womb, even if only for a short time. Know that the pain and sorrow of this life are temporary and that if our hope is in Christ, we can endure whatever He brings. Weep, grieve deeply, but weep as one who has hope in her Savior. And remember. Remember your child whose life was not in vain.' - 

See more at: http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2013/10/hannahs-story-stillbirth/#sthash.RslA44Uq.dpuf

Can also apologise in advance for my spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors. As I said before I initially wrote this blog for myself (though I am happy for others to read it). I have written some of these posts during sleepless night and thus are full of errors. I will go and through and edit them....one day! 

Meeting with the doctor to discuss why you died

We went to the hospital today get the report/results for why you may have died. 

Didn't enjoy going back to the hospital. Don't get me wrong. They did their job well when we had The complication with Hannah it just doesn't bring back nice memories. It's sad we were so close to having our little girl to raise and now we don't. It is however the place we got to see Hannah alive and swimming around at 11 week, 20 weeks and 34 weeks, very much alive. 

We went to the appointment already knowing really why Hannah died, that was that she had he cord wrapped around her ankles so many times that the blood couldn't flow. 

The results however weren't fully what we had expected. They basically showed no cause of death, that Hannah had simply died and no conclusive reason (and conclusive is the key word), could be found. There is very strong speculation though that the cord wrapped around her ankles was the cause. The cord between the placenta and the tangle round her ankles was red/purple (the correct colour) and obviously had blood flowing through it. The cord between the tangle round her ankles and her navel was very pale and looked like no blood was flowing through it. I still, despite the PM (i hate that word) not showing any signs of hypoxia believe that this was still the reason she died. There was a couple of thing that did come up however. One was that the cord had one artery instead of two. Hannah also had a small hole in her heart (but this wouldn't of caused her to die). All stuff to think about I guess. 

It's dangerous to dwell too much on these things though. Hannah is dead and nothing changes that fact. We love her dearly, miss her and wish we could've see her grow but we won't. Nothing can change that fact and knowing or not knowing why she died will not bring her back. 

Here are some of the questions I put together before we went to see the consultant. 

Question for consultant 

Hannah died at 35+3 weeks and was 6lbs 2oz when born. Is that not quite big for that gestation? 

Was the cord longer than normal? Was it attached to the placenta in a funny place? 

What causes to the cord to be tangled? The midwife did think baby was breach at one point (I'm pretty sure she turned) would this cause the cord tangling. 

Was there anything wrong with the cord? Thickness? Wharton's Jelly (not thick enough)? 

I have read these things can cause cord accidents 

Too little amniotic fluid

Abnormal blood pressure in the cord

Velamentous cord insertion

How will I know if I have these causes/features next time? 

Next time 

What scan would I have to check the cord? 3D scan 

What extra care would I get? Appointments, tests, scans, consultant care? 

Would the baby be induced early? And why

What is the risks and warning signs of it happening again? 

If it happened again how bigger window do I have to get o hospital and get baby out? 

Measuring level of amniotic fluid 

Visiting were we have laid you to rest

These are flowers that we placed on your grave after your funeral. 

I've brought some oasis so I can make arrangements for your every time we visit. I have feeling over time I will get better at this 

Love you our gorgeous Hannah x 

A letter to our beautiful girl

(A letter we have written for your funeral)

This is a letter for you Hannah Grace. Our anticipates and loved daughter who we grieve for not being able to get know. We wonder what you would of been like and how you would of shaped our family. How patient would of your big sister been and how you would of asserted yourself? We know you would of made your presence know even as a newborn through sleepless nights and the precious midnight cuddles we anticipated. 

I feel privileged to have held you for 9 months, you were with me everyday of your life. I felt your body as it grew and prepared to be part of our family. Your life was a miracle and a blessing to us. We will forever be changed without you. You were perfectly formed when you were born and so beautiful, we will miss you.

Today is the day we were expecting you to arrive into this world but instead this is a step towards saying goodbye to you. We know you were always only 'on loan' even though it wasn't long before you were called home. We entrust you to our God and we know he has made a perfect plan for you. You may never of seen your mummy and daddy but we believe you've seen Jesus. 

Our beautiful Hannah Grace. We wish we could of spent a lifetime with you. We will miss you so much. Your precious life has gone ahead of us to our eternal home. Rest in the of peace of our creator our much loved little girl

We love you with all our heart 

Mummy and Daddy xxx