It seemed like a happy ending

Well 4 weeks ago I got my much wanted positive pregnancy test after wanting it for 6 months. I was hesitant but excited all the same. This pregnancy has felt different from my others though. Not many symptoms and no real sickness. I was a worry. At 8 weeks I could bare it no longer and went for a private scan which confirmed my fears. The embryo only measured 5 weeks. So the journey continues. It's sad loosing this new pregnancy but I grieve more for Hannah. I miss her dearly x 

Miscarriage after stillbirth. Well sadly it happens 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eOeXKyERTng

Please watch x 

To Daffodils

To Daffodils

Fair Daffodils, we weep to see
You haste away so soon;
As yet the early-rising sun
Has not attain'd his noon.
Stay, stay,
Until the hasting day
Has run
But to the even-song;
And, having pray'd together, we
Will go with you along.

We have short time to stay, as you,
We have as short a spring;
As quick a growth to meet decay,
As you, or anything.
We die
As your hours do, and dry
Away,
Like to the summer's rain;
Or as the pearls of morning's dew,
Ne'er to be found again. 

Robert Herrick

The trail of others pregnancies and births

Don't get me wrong I'm happy for ppl but I would be honest if I wasn't jealous when I hear peoples news that they are pregnant or their baby has been born. I can't help but think 'Hannah you should be here' 'why why why did you have to die'

My nephew was born yesterday. I can even bring myself to like the photo on Facebook. I don't want to receive notifications of people's congrats. I know I'm jealous, I don't get why I was the one this happened too. 

We are moving, deep down I think/know this is partly to escape but in reality I think it will be harder. Babies are born where ever you go but the mums I meet won't know about the sadness I carry with loosing Hannah. 

Miss you my precious little girl x 

Mile stones missed

Hannah would be 5 months now. She would be starting on solids, maybe even sitting up. She wouldn't be that tiny new born anymore! Guess think of missed mile stones isn't healthy but its hard not too. I can't even remember being pregnant with hannah. Feels like a distant dream....nightmare

My Grandma is an old lady at 97. She has done very well. Although her mind is strong her body is failing her and will wont be long till we say good bye. I will miss her. Se is a special lady who I love dearly. I like to imagine, when her time come that she will look after my Hannah. 

Lx 

Blogs I have read during this journey

http://whitesignsofgrief.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/i-would-like-my-daughter-avery-to-know.html?m=1

http://joannagoddard.blogspot.co.uk/

http://born-still-but-still-born.blogspot.co.uk/

http://babyhannahgrace.blogspot.com/

http://robynanne.wordpress.com/

http://stillbirth-breakingthesilence.blogspot.co.uk/

http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/

http://stillbornstillstanding.blogspot.co.uk/

http://mylifestrangerthanfiction.blogspot.co.uk/p/my-late-miscarriagestillbirth.html

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/health/pregnancy/

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/had-a-stillborn-baby/9068

Chasing your stolen car

Loosing Hannah feels like chasing your car that's just been hijacked. You would naturally run after it but ultimately it's futile. You will never catch the car, it's gone and not coming back. 

I keep having to remind myself that Hannah is gone and no amount of yearning will bring her back. She seems so real I'm sure she should be here but it is just like one of those nightmares where you just can't quite reach something. My soul is constantly yearning to hold my little girl and see her grow. It feels as though Hannah was stolen from us and that if I look hard enough I will find her. I have to remind myself that I do have closure and I saw her earthly body which her soul had left behind. I feel for the parents of Madeleine McCann who never had that closure