Making memories

Clay hand and foot prints

Hand and foot casting 

Silver keepsake jewellery 

Cross stitch samplers

Personalised pillows

Christmas decorations

Picture frames

Writing a letter to our little girl

Keeping the clothes and blanket we put her in at the hospital

Having two identical teddies. One to stay with our little girl and one for us.

Having a personalised blanket for her to be wrapped in.

Writing this blog 

This isn't super clear but it is an old scramble board. On it I have written all of our names;

Mine, my husbands, Katie's, and Hannah's

I love this item as it shows all our family interlinked 

The first few days at home without our little girl

We arrived home at 12.30am in the early hours of Sunday morning. I would recommend leaving hospital at that time to anyone who wants to be as inconspicuous as possible when leaving a hospital. You don't have to compose yourself for strangers, you can cry all the way to the car and you won't bump into the neighbours when you get home. Also anyone who has stayed in hospital will know it takes a long time to be discharged from hospital. We asked to leave at 8pm on the Saturday and 12 was when we had all the paperwork sorted to leave. It would be hard if we had asked to leave at 8am on the Sunday but not got home for another 4 half hours. 

On the Sunday morning we were the lucky ones. We got to see our bright smiling little girl Katie. We had missed her so much. She was after all part of our future and a healthy way to focus our energy. 

You can't he but think about how Hannah would of impacted our life. How she would of shaped our family if we had brought her home that Sunday morning. How Katie would of reacted to having a new little sister and having to share my attention.

The waiting game

On the morning of Tuesday 4th November we went in to hospital again to have a scan to confirm what I only dreamed was wrong but that we knew was true. I knew however it wouldnt be till I met my little girl that I would truly believe that Hannah had left this earth. 

I was given a relaxant drug and told to return to the hospital on Thursday 6th to be induced. Unlike a normal labour the doctors aren't worried about the baby so they give you everything they can to make the birth as easy as possible. Basically making this drug endured process as natural as possible.

Things happen very slowly in hospital. We went in for just after 9am for a scan and were then taken up to the labour ward to the 'special case' room where they took many blood samples and swabs as well as giving me the relaxant pill. We then left the ward at 2.30pm. We were very keen to get back to our daughter who was being looked after by a friend. She was our future and although Hannah was still currently part of our present she was soon to become our past. A treasured memory;our second daughter that we would only ever know as a baby. 

Wednesday 5th November was the 'middle day', nothing was going to happen that day, we knew that. We were just waiting in sadness for the time we would say goodbye to our precious Hannah. We didn't know how long we would be in hospital to waiting for the induction to work but we knew we would be away from Katie for a few days at least. We had arranged for my mum to come down on the Wednesday night to look after her. On Wednesday therefore we decided to go to the Sealife centre as a treat for Katie and a distraction for myself. I spent a long time getting dressed that morning, choosing an outfit that made me look fat and not pregnant. I was pretty much 36 weeks pregnant so that was a challenge. I also tried to be aloof as possible so that no well meaning stranger would try and talk to me about my pregnancy and soon to be born baby. Whether is was the grace of God or luck i dont know but thankfully no one asked me about my baby bump. We were shattered by the time we got home having walked miles around Birmingham and around the Sealife centre. It was good to be so busy though. We would have been at a loss just waiting at home. 

At 8am on the morning of Thursday 6th November we (my husband and I) went into hospital. The induction process wasn't quick. After 5 hormone induction drugs I was told on the Saturday that they couldn't give me any more hormone drugs for 48hours as it was too dangerous for me. I had been having a few regular but mild contraction on the Friday but they had disappeared pretty much by the Saturday morning. Thankfully however they had had an effect, however mild t contraction were and at 10.30am my waters were broken and Hannah Grace arrived at 14.58 

I can only thank God for a very straight forward and in labour terms easy birth. 

Just after 3pm we met little Hannah. She was your normal, perfect newborn but, was no longer there. She was a good size too 6lbs2oz. She was going to be big if she had be born at 40 weeks. 

We spent some time in our room with Hannah. We held her and loved her giving her all the cuddles we knew we wouldn't be able to give her. She was in Gods hands now and we missed her. 

My husband and I then had to the hardest thing. We had to leave our beautiful baby girl. I said goodbye to Hannah. I truly don't know how I ever left the hospital, it was only with Gods strength I could leave that room. 

Tuesday 4th November

I have decided to start this blog in memory of little girl Hannah Grace who was born just before the 37th week of pregnancy. I had a healthy pregnancy. At 34 weeks I had a scan as the midwife thought she was breach. I'm sure she properly was but she did a summersault on the way to the hospital (I nearly had to pull over she moved so much). The scan showed she was head down. Everything was going well. They check her over looking at her heart and placenta etc and everything was good. She was a little big but within the 95th percentile. I was expecting a big baby however. My husbands and his siblings were all 10 pounds plus.
When I was 35+4 weeks I woke in the night. I had had a busy Monday and had been sick after dinner so had gone to bed early (sickness was pretty common with me and pregnancy). It was 2am in the early hours of Tuesday however when I woke suddenly and realised I hadn't felt my little girl move all day. I had been very busy so wouldn't have noticed if she had. I had however had lots of random tummy pains all day. I had had them before in the pregnancy but they hadn't lingered all day like they had that busy Monday. I spent 90 minute trying to get my little girl to move that Tuesday morning and eventually rang the labour ward. On the way to the hospital to have babies heart beat monitored I decided it was far better to look foolish and waste the midwifes time then to sit a home ignoring the lack of movement and there be an issue. I seriously just thought I was being silly however. I arrived at the labour ward around 4am feeling a little foolish. I said to the midwife I was properly being a paranoid mother and was sorry for wasting there time. The midwife was lovely and said they never think that but I did get a slight sense from her of 'here comes another one worrying about nothing'. Well I lay down in the room and the midwife got the foetal heart rate monitor and placed it on my tummy. She felt around my tummy from one corner a another. I wasn't sure if this was normal but I tired not to let it worry me. I'm sure it was. After a little bit she asked the trainee midwife with her to go an get the doctor, again I tried hard not to worry. I'm sure this was normal. I never really imagine at this stage anything would be wrong. My very worst thought was that I would be rushed in for an emergency section. I always had a strong sense our little girl would come early. While waiting for the doctor the midwife continued to check for a heart beat. At one point she found a faint heart beat, it was all ok. I responded with 'that sounds good' (still believing baby was fine and that maybe she wasn't very good at finding foetal heart beats). The doctor eventually arrived with a mobile ultra sound scanner. He scaned baby and I can't remember his exact words but it was something like 'the pregnancy has expired'. I wasn't 100% clear what the meant, the midwife clarified that our little girl was gone, she had no heartbeat. He said it would be confirmed tomorrow with another scan but that he was pretty baby had gone. Gone. Goodness I couldn't believe it. I knew that babies could die so late but that was due to a condition. A genetic condition, growth issue, preeclampsia, a growth defect that would of been picked up in the scans or if during the birth there were complication. For me however I had none of those thing. I was healthy, my baby was healthy. There was no reason for Our baby's heart to stop beating. My husband had stayed at home with our 19month old daughter. It had seemed silly to wake her up and anyway Rich had to be up for work the next day. I thought I'd just go in for 2 hours to be monitored and be sent home in time for Rich to go to work. I rang Rich. Understandably very upset. It took a long time for him to arrive. He had dressed Esther before leaving. Before Rich arrived I was taken to another room. A very unclinical room, obviously used for 'cases' like ours. It had a double bed in it, TV, coffee machine and ensuite. The doctor came in. It was funny he didn't speak to me. He spoke to Richard, about me, in the third person. Very odd. Upon reflection I wonder how many conversations like this he had had and if in fact he just felt a little nervous? I did say to Rich however I would speak to him if he blanked me again! We were told we would have another scan to confirm that our little one was now gone but at this stage he was pretty sure she was. They left us in the room. We named our little girl Hannah Grace. Hannah had now left us and it felt only right to give her identity as although she would never breathe on this earth she had very much been alive. To say goodbye to someone you need to know who they are. Giving her her name was us saying hello, we love you, you are precious, we will miss you our beautiful Hannah Grace.