Ups and downs

I try to smile when I see people. I don't want there to be an elephant in the room and I see it as my job to remove it. 

Sometimes I do smile because I am ok but sometimes I smile because its easier. I am shattered however with trying to be ok. It's so tiring and sometimes I just come home and cry due to the effort involved in being normal. 

There is no answer to why this happened to me but its a hard burden. I am very rarely not thinking about Hannah and how she should be here. I wonder when that will stop? And if it ever will? 

I feel almost ashamed to tell people I don't know well that Hannah was stillborn, that I had a baby that was still born. Not sure why. I guess I worry people will feel awkward or that even worse they won't see it as a big deal and wonder why I am telling them. 

If people do want me to talk to me about Hannah however I am very happy to tell them my story. 

When your friends have their babies

When your friends have their babies it's hard. There is no escaping that. 

Three friends from school have popped or are about to pop in the next couple of weeks. It's hard. I wish so dearly I had baby Hannah. I wish I'd gone to the hospital and I'd arrived at exactly the right time and they had been able to deliver Hannah alive. I hate this so much. I hate she's not here . I feel so powerless. I was meant to look after you Hannah but that didn't happen and I'm so sorry. Our precious little one, I wish we could see you. 

I know I need to battle against this sadness. My friend, obviously, have done nothing wrong. It's just very sad and it's my own battle to face. 

Current things I need to face...

Step 1. Going to a baby shop to buy a gift 

Step 2. Buying and writing a card 

Step 3. Visiting them

Step 4. Holding their babies 

Count those kick, worry about those odd tummy pains and pray like mad is my only advice. Sadly stillbirth does happen without warning and for no reason at all. Dont assume anything, and that is the  devastating truth. 

Meeting with the doctor to discuss why you died

We went to the hospital today get the report/results for why you may have died. 

Didn't enjoy going back to the hospital. Don't get me wrong. They did their job well when we had The complication with Hannah it just doesn't bring back nice memories. It's sad we were so close to having our little girl to raise and now we don't. It is however the place we got to see Hannah alive and swimming around at 11 week, 20 weeks and 34 weeks, very much alive. 

We went to the appointment already knowing really why Hannah died, that was that she had he cord wrapped around her ankles so many times that the blood couldn't flow. 

The results however weren't fully what we had expected. They basically showed no cause of death, that Hannah had simply died and no conclusive reason (and conclusive is the key word), could be found. There is very strong speculation though that the cord wrapped around her ankles was the cause. The cord between the placenta and the tangle round her ankles was red/purple (the correct colour) and obviously had blood flowing through it. The cord between the tangle round her ankles and her navel was very pale and looked like no blood was flowing through it. I still, despite the PM (i hate that word) not showing any signs of hypoxia believe that this was still the reason she died. There was a couple of thing that did come up however. One was that the cord had one artery instead of two. Hannah also had a small hole in her heart (but this wouldn't of caused her to die). All stuff to think about I guess. 

It's dangerous to dwell too much on these things though. Hannah is dead and nothing changes that fact. We love her dearly, miss her and wish we could've see her grow but we won't. Nothing can change that fact and knowing or not knowing why she died will not bring her back. 

Here are some of the questions I put together before we went to see the consultant. 

Question for consultant 

Hannah died at 35+3 weeks and was 6lbs 2oz when born. Is that not quite big for that gestation? 

Was the cord longer than normal? Was it attached to the placenta in a funny place? 

What causes to the cord to be tangled? The midwife did think baby was breach at one point (I'm pretty sure she turned) would this cause the cord tangling. 

Was there anything wrong with the cord? Thickness? Wharton's Jelly (not thick enough)? 

I have read these things can cause cord accidents 

Too little amniotic fluid

Abnormal blood pressure in the cord

Velamentous cord insertion

How will I know if I have these causes/features next time? 

Next time 

What scan would I have to check the cord? 3D scan 

What extra care would I get? Appointments, tests, scans, consultant care? 

Would the baby be induced early? And why

What is the risks and warning signs of it happening again? 

If it happened again how bigger window do I have to get o hospital and get baby out? 

Measuring level of amniotic fluid 

Visiting were we have laid you to rest

These are flowers that we placed on your grave after your funeral. 

I've brought some oasis so I can make arrangements for your every time we visit. I have feeling over time I will get better at this 

Love you our gorgeous Hannah x 

Another baby

We have talked about having another baby. In one way I'm up for it and another part of me is reluctant. We never planned to have more than two children...and we've had two children. 

I long to hold Hannah. I know another child won't replace Hannah but I would like to raise at least two children. My thought pattern has also shifted from only two children. Two children was the plan before Hannah. I almost feel if we raise 3 or 4 children it isn't a replacement for Hannah, but a change of plan instead. Raising two children also seems a very fragile number.

I don't know how I feel about more pregnancies. I know I will be very anxious throughout any subsequent pregnancies. I'm not sure if I could deal with any other loses (miscarriage or stillbirth). We have decided to try for another baby though. Pregnancy takes such a long time and my hope is if I do fall pregnant by the time baby comes I will feel ready? 

A New Year

It's 2014 and we have left the anguish of 2013 but 2014 hold is own grief.

It doesn't get any easier. We would have a 8 week old now. 

I was a church yesterday. A friend has just had her new baby. I'm obviously very happy for her. New life is such a gift. I just feel the pain of loosing Hannah. 

The lovely thing about the couple with the new baby is that they have been trying for a baby since Kate was born. It must of felt like a long and painful wait.

So many people I know have a new baby, are pregnant or wanting to be. 

Life seems to be full of so much hardship. In the last month I've had two friends  who have experienced miscarriage (for one friend it was there third, all while I was pregnant with Hannah). Another friend is going through her 4 cycle of failed ivf.

I feel blessed that our hardship isn't worse. We have little Kate who is such a blessing, we manage to conceive Kate and Hannah very easily, I can carry babies without genetical complication. And because Hannah died from a cord accident, so as the term describes; an accident so I am no more likely then the next person to experience it again. 

We miss you every day Hannah. My heart grieves for not seeing you grow and being part of our family.