Revisiting places that bring back memories

I go to a toddler group in my town which is held in the church hall. This is the church where we had Hannah's funeral although we don't usually go in the church building. As it was Christmas however we all gathered in the church building for the retelling of the Christmas story. It was (nice) hard being there. Obviously all I wanted to do was cry (I held it in) but it was nice to enjoy a toddler group in the place I was last with Hannah, imagining what it would of been like having Hannah with me and my little monkey Katie (who was stealing the baby Jesus from the manger!)

Now your buried

We buried you on Friday. It was such a tough day. I wish you were here. I wish it so very much. It's hard to accept that your cant control everything.

 

We have new neighbours. They moved in a couple of weeks after you died. They obviously don't know about you. I have chatted to them a couple of times and I guess I could of mentioned you. They innocently asked questions like 'will you have anymore children soon' (maybe but I have already had two and the last one was only born a month ago!), are you working currently (yes but I'm on maternity leave). It's tricky, I don't want them to feel uncomfortable especially as I don't really know them, the other side of me wants to scream 'I have just had a baby, I should be cradling a newborn right now'. 

Miss you my special little girl xxx

It's your funeral tomorrow

We have a house full. Both are parents are here and brother plus wife and sister in law. It's a busy house and will be busier tomorrow. Two more brothers plus family aunts and uncles and some cousins. It's so busy I've forgotten you little Hannah. I didn't know how I should be behaving? Sad and somber, is it wrong to forget about it all. Before everyone arrived I just wanted to cry. It felt too much. And now as I lay in bed I feel I've forgotten what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to be so busy I can't say goodbye. It's seems so surreal, wrong, strange and disconnected to being saying such a phrase. 

Hannah Grace. My beautiful little Gracie. You are precious. You are safe in the arms of our father God. I hope you are enjoying the perfection that is heaven. 

When Esther was born a friend of mine lost one of her twin girls during birth. I imagine you two precious children together in heaven just as your sisters are friends together here on earth. 

Another day of many

Today I got a text from someone I've been getting to know. She has a little girl about the same age as Katie and we were expecting our second babies within days of each other. She had a little girl too. 

It's good she told me as she lives locally so I'm sure I will see her about. I want to tell her to savour every precious second with her little girl. She is very precious. These little miracles should never be taken lightly. I don't think I can go and see her though. Not for a while. I think my own grief will stop me from handling such a situation and I know I have to be kind on myself. There is a pang of sadness on knowing however that her baby is here. Hannah isn't here and that is sad. So sad. There is no better word than sad but then it also doesn't feel sufficient for how I feel. I feel lacking, drained from grief. I want my little Hannah back. 

I have found myself recently thinking about baby number 3. It seems wrong though. Our beautiful Hannah hasn't even been buried yet. I am clear in my mind that baby number 3 won't replace Hannah but I do feel lost without her, I understand the phase 'my arms are aching for baby I have lost'. I know we will need to think carefully about it though when we are ready and be wary of our motivates and purpose. I also know I will be heavy with worry though the entire pregnancy if it did happen. I don't want to write off nearly a year of Katie's life waiting for baby number 3. 

A scan picture of our healthy little girl Hannah just days before she died. 

Preparing for your funeral

It will never seem right to be to be having to organise a funeral for our little girl. To say its emotional doesn't quite fit. It's being hard and Rich and I have defiantly struggled to remain patient with one another. The strange thing is I'm scared. Not of the funeral, that will be painfully sad i know. I'm scared of the day we will have nothing left to do for our daughter. It's almost been strangely reassuring having things to focus on and do 'for' Hannah. Although we can no long care for her on this earth it feels like we are doing something. After Friday there will be nothing but memories of our beautiful girl. 

I wish I could hold you one last time. I wish we never had to let you go. 

We dropped off some clothes for you at the funeral home. You were only in the next room and I just wanted you in my arms. I know you are now in the Lords hands and if yo can't be here with me it's gives me peace to know God has you though still terribly painful. 

I love you my beautiful girl xxx 

A letter to our beautiful girl

(A letter we have written for your funeral)

This is a letter for you Hannah Grace. Our anticipates and loved daughter who we grieve for not being able to get know. We wonder what you would of been like and how you would of shaped our family. How patient would of your big sister been and how you would of asserted yourself? We know you would of made your presence know even as a newborn through sleepless nights and the precious midnight cuddles we anticipated. 

I feel privileged to have held you for 9 months, you were with me everyday of your life. I felt your body as it grew and prepared to be part of our family. Your life was a miracle and a blessing to us. We will forever be changed without you. You were perfectly formed when you were born and so beautiful, we will miss you.

Today is the day we were expecting you to arrive into this world but instead this is a step towards saying goodbye to you. We know you were always only 'on loan' even though it wasn't long before you were called home. We entrust you to our God and we know he has made a perfect plan for you. You may never of seen your mummy and daddy but we believe you've seen Jesus. 

Our beautiful Hannah Grace. We wish we could of spent a lifetime with you. We will miss you so much. Your precious life has gone ahead of us to our eternal home. Rest in the of peace of our creator our much loved little girl

We love you with all our heart 

Mummy and Daddy xxx