Struggling one year since you died x

Today is the day we found out Hannah died. It was a horrible devastating day. That middle of the night trip to the hospital, the lack of heart beat. The negative scan result. The realisation that she was gone. We named Hannah on this day. Still brings me to tears, it's just very sad losing our second little girl. I hate the way this has changed me for the worst. I feel like a shadow of the person I was on some days. 

This morning I lost all my pregnancy symptoms (sickness, thirst, tender breast etc). I am sad to think that maybe this is another failed pregnancy. Can only wait. Not doing pregnancy again if this doesn't work. It's not good for katie or me. 

Good news but still waiting for bad news

Now that title sounds depressing! Currently 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. I had a scan last Wednesday and the baby was doing fine and was about 8 weeks. Everything seems to be fine though I'm worried. Worried something will go wrong. Sort of holding my breath to see if I miscarry. I'm should be happy but I'm so anxious. I told myself before this pregnancy that if I had morning sickness then is know the pregnancy was going well . Well feeling pretty sick but I'm still analysing every feeling of 'sickness' wondering 'is this as intense as last time' and everytime I don't feel sick I worry something is wrong. I start to wonder if the sickness is tailoring off and thus something has gone wrong. I basically don't trust my body. I'm trying to pray and cast my anxieties to God but it's hard. I keep praying if it's another miss carriage it will happen quickly. I'm so unsure of things. One thing I'm feeling however is if this pregnancy isn't successful then I'm not sure I'll try again and of we do I'm have a good 6 months of not trying to get pregnant (in fact where I'll actively seek not too). I think in that time we will follow the adoption route. I just don't feel I can take it anymore. 

It's Hannah's anniversary on Sunday. What has happened to this year. I have been so costumed with greif and trying for another baby. The gap between Hannah and Esther will be the same as the gap between Hannah and this baby. I really can't give anymore of my time and energy away to pregnancy and trying to conceive. Im missing out on the one living daughter I do have. 

Praying so much for the desires of my heart to happen. I just pray I'll have strength if that is not the way. 

X