Struggling one year since you died x

Today is the day we found out Hannah died. It was a horrible devastating day. That middle of the night trip to the hospital, the lack of heart beat. The negative scan result. The realisation that she was gone. We named Hannah on this day. Still brings me to tears, it's just very sad losing our second little girl. I hate the way this has changed me for the worst. I feel like a shadow of the person I was on some days. 

This morning I lost all my pregnancy symptoms (sickness, thirst, tender breast etc). I am sad to think that maybe this is another failed pregnancy. Can only wait. Not doing pregnancy again if this doesn't work. It's not good for katie or me. 

Good news but still waiting for bad news

Now that title sounds depressing! Currently 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. I had a scan last Wednesday and the baby was doing fine and was about 8 weeks. Everything seems to be fine though I'm worried. Worried something will go wrong. Sort of holding my breath to see if I miscarry. I'm should be happy but I'm so anxious. I told myself before this pregnancy that if I had morning sickness then is know the pregnancy was going well . Well feeling pretty sick but I'm still analysing every feeling of 'sickness' wondering 'is this as intense as last time' and everytime I don't feel sick I worry something is wrong. I start to wonder if the sickness is tailoring off and thus something has gone wrong. I basically don't trust my body. I'm trying to pray and cast my anxieties to God but it's hard. I keep praying if it's another miss carriage it will happen quickly. I'm so unsure of things. One thing I'm feeling however is if this pregnancy isn't successful then I'm not sure I'll try again and of we do I'm have a good 6 months of not trying to get pregnant (in fact where I'll actively seek not too). I think in that time we will follow the adoption route. I just don't feel I can take it anymore. 

It's Hannah's anniversary on Sunday. What has happened to this year. I have been so costumed with greif and trying for another baby. The gap between Hannah and Esther will be the same as the gap between Hannah and this baby. I really can't give anymore of my time and energy away to pregnancy and trying to conceive. Im missing out on the one living daughter I do have. 

Praying so much for the desires of my heart to happen. I just pray I'll have strength if that is not the way. 

X 

Another likely loss

So I am pregnant for the 4th time. Katie born at 41 weeks, Hannah born at 36 weeks, Beansprout miss misscarriage at 11 weeks (developed to 5) and then number 4 Seedrick who is currently 4 weeks and 5 days but like Beansprout I lack symptoms. Having had two successful early pregnacy twice I know what it should be like. 

No food cravings (I craved salty crisps and fizzy water from day one), no crazy dreams, no tender breasts, no crazy weeing or waking in the night to wee and like Beansprout I'm getting mild cramping. I have a scan next Thursday when I'll be about 5 weeks 5 days but I'm not in much doubt. No idea why this is happening again. It brings me back to that fact something has happened as a result of either Hannah dying in Utero or something to do with her birth has damaged something. This sucks and words don't reflect the heaviness I'm feeling. It is Hannah's anniversary in a few weeks. I was sincerely hoping I would see Seedricks heartbeat before then. Instead I will be remembering 3 souls no longer here. Some more tangible than others but lost too soon all the same. 

Going to have to push for investigation work. I hope I get a nice doctor who will listen to me and take everything seriously.  I know there is a cause for these two misscarriages. I just hope medical science can ascertain what the cause is. I  will no be happy if the fob me off. It's so sad how long this has gone on and the energy it has absorbed. Katie was 19 months when Hannah died and she is now nearly 31 months. So much of her life has past and it saddens me that despite my best efforts my emotional energy has been on absorbed by loosing Hannah  and the hope for a sibling for Katie. It has interfered with me enjoying Katie so much. I try so hard to saver the joy she brings but sometimes sadness takes over. It is starting to look pretty likely that Katie will be put only child. Which I know should be fine but I still grieve for what may of been. 

I love you my beautiful baby girl Hannah who would be 11 months tomorrow 

Xxx 

Rant

Can I just rant?!?

How do you ladies ttc cope! It's so hard every month waiting. Every month I feel like I'm right back to when my daughter died. I replay everything in my head the day before I found out she had died and all the things that might have saved her. It feel like a double blow. I wouldn't even be ttc if she was here.  I want to give up as it so very heart breaking but then I don't want to either because I hope for a little rainbow. Feeling trapped. 

You've missed so much

Hannah you have missed so much since you left us. You have new a cousin, lots of little friends have been born, we've been on aeroplanes. Katie has learnt to do loads more talking, she's potty trained (almost), we've visited the beach lots, we had lovely times as a family on bike rides. We are always missing you our beautiful girl xx 

You would have done all these things too with us. You have missed learning to crawl and trying to eat food. You have missed millions of cuddles with your mummy, daddy and big sister. You have missed Katie playing with you and sharing a bath with her. You have missed wearing all of Katie's clothes (you would of lookinh adorable) and playing with her toys. They would of been both of your toys! You have missed seeing your mummy and daddy being so proud of you. 

You've missed getting to know and love your family. We've missed getting to know you and discovering your little personality. 

Hannah you are missing so much and we are missing doing it with you. I'm sorry you're not here preciously little girl xxx 

The 12 week scan anouncnents

Things are so tricky. I would of been 12 weeks pregnant today, instead I had to go to the EPU for a scan to confirm baby had gone. 

I seriously should close my Facebook account. Thus morning there were two pregnacy amouncements. I should be in that group! They've both obviously just had there 12 week scans like figured I would of been. It's hard to see. 

I seriously just don't get it. I wish I didn't have to go through this. It's sad I won't be having my baby at the same time they have their babies. I wish everything was simple. It certainly takes it tole dealing with hard stuff 

Sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky. This just sucks. 

It seemed like a happy ending

Well 4 weeks ago I got my much wanted positive pregnancy test after wanting it for 6 months. I was hesitant but excited all the same. This pregnancy has felt different from my others though. Not many symptoms and no real sickness. I was a worry. At 8 weeks I could bare it no longer and went for a private scan which confirmed my fears. The embryo only measured 5 weeks. So the journey continues. It's sad loosing this new pregnancy but I grieve more for Hannah. I miss her dearly x 

Miscarriage after stillbirth. Well sadly it happens 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eOeXKyERTng

Please watch x 

To Daffodils

To Daffodils

Fair Daffodils, we weep to see
You haste away so soon;
As yet the early-rising sun
Has not attain'd his noon.
Stay, stay,
Until the hasting day
Has run
But to the even-song;
And, having pray'd together, we
Will go with you along.

We have short time to stay, as you,
We have as short a spring;
As quick a growth to meet decay,
As you, or anything.
We die
As your hours do, and dry
Away,
Like to the summer's rain;
Or as the pearls of morning's dew,
Ne'er to be found again. 

Robert Herrick

The trail of others pregnancies and births

Don't get me wrong I'm happy for ppl but I would be honest if I wasn't jealous when I hear peoples news that they are pregnant or their baby has been born. I can't help but think 'Hannah you should be here' 'why why why did you have to die'

My nephew was born yesterday. I can even bring myself to like the photo on Facebook. I don't want to receive notifications of people's congrats. I know I'm jealous, I don't get why I was the one this happened too. 

We are moving, deep down I think/know this is partly to escape but in reality I think it will be harder. Babies are born where ever you go but the mums I meet won't know about the sadness I carry with loosing Hannah. 

Miss you my precious little girl x 

Mile stones missed

Hannah would be 5 months now. She would be starting on solids, maybe even sitting up. She wouldn't be that tiny new born anymore! Guess think of missed mile stones isn't healthy but its hard not too. I can't even remember being pregnant with hannah. Feels like a distant dream....nightmare

My Grandma is an old lady at 97. She has done very well. Although her mind is strong her body is failing her and will wont be long till we say good bye. I will miss her. Se is a special lady who I love dearly. I like to imagine, when her time come that she will look after my Hannah. 

Lx 

Blogs I have read during this journey

http://whitesignsofgrief.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/i-would-like-my-daughter-avery-to-know.html?m=1

http://joannagoddard.blogspot.co.uk/

http://born-still-but-still-born.blogspot.co.uk/

http://babyhannahgrace.blogspot.com/

http://robynanne.wordpress.com/

http://stillbirth-breakingthesilence.blogspot.co.uk/

http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/

http://stillbornstillstanding.blogspot.co.uk/

http://mylifestrangerthanfiction.blogspot.co.uk/p/my-late-miscarriagestillbirth.html

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/health/pregnancy/

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/had-a-stillborn-baby/9068

Chasing your stolen car

Loosing Hannah feels like chasing your car that's just been hijacked. You would naturally run after it but ultimately it's futile. You will never catch the car, it's gone and not coming back. 

I keep having to remind myself that Hannah is gone and no amount of yearning will bring her back. She seems so real I'm sure she should be here but it is just like one of those nightmares where you just can't quite reach something. My soul is constantly yearning to hold my little girl and see her grow. It feels as though Hannah was stolen from us and that if I look hard enough I will find her. I have to remind myself that I do have closure and I saw her earthly body which her soul had left behind. I feel for the parents of Madeleine McCann who never had that closure 

I don't like this place

I don't feel like I'm in a good place at the moment. Not anything too bad or anything. I think I've just run out of energy. I think I've been focusing my energy and my goals in the wrong direction. I keep hoping and have been for three months now to be pregnant. I know it won't fix anything and in truth that is just the first of so many hurdles to cross. And in reality I will be so full of conflicting emotions when it happens   it won't be easy. Conflicting in that will the baby be ok this time but also all the emotions associated with Hannah and the worry with the child replacing her. And I don't want that, ever! 

 

These are the hurdles I foresee but I imagine there will be even more! 

Getting pregnant

Getting to 12 weeks

Seeing a baby at scan 

Feeling the baby move 

Worrying about baby moving

Do we find out gender? 

Worrying about baby moving

Every appointment waiting for something to be wrong

Worrying about baby moving

Due dates and if there are any links with Hannah's dates 

Worrying about baby moving

Induction and timings

 Worrying about baby moving

Choosing virginal or section

 Worrying about baby moving

Being in labour

Worrying about baby moving

Giving birth

Seeing the baby for first time and how I feel if they are a girl or a boy

And look again I see my focus is wrong. I'm longing for that first hurdle to be crossed. I guess in honesty I need to place every step at the feet of Jesus because any one of them could not go the way I'd wish. 

It's hard and I know my focus is floored. I'm at the stage at the moment wondering if I'm pregnant. If I am in only about 2 1/2-3 weeks. Don't feel it yet. I keep second guessing pregnancy symptoms. I feel paralysed for two weeks waiting to see what the outcome is. I think things like I shouldn't go swimming or do exercise or drink wine or do anything that you shouldn't do when pregnant. I don't even know if I am. I can't live like this. It isn't healthy. I feel paralysed by the fear that I may jeopardise a baby that may or may not be there. Waiting for a baby that in truth may never come. I don't believe this though as Hannah and Esther both appeared very easily so I truly believe baby number three will also appear. This in its self isn't healthy, nothing is a given. just like Hannah being the second child we raised wasn't a given (as we thought). I m confused as to why a baby hasn't been conceived  yet. I feel a subsequent pregnancy started the day we decided to try again (and it will end the day they are conceived or we decide to stop trying). I have felt so out of control with everything since loosing hannah. I crave control but I have to change that thinking as we don't have control over these things. The silly and selfish thing is that we have a daughter already who we do get to raise. Beautiful katie is currently asleep in the room next door. I love her so much. Why am I focusing my energy and emotions into a child who may or may not be part of our family when I have a child we do get raise? I know what I need to do, just wish I could do it

...This is why I don't feel in a good place. 

Proverbs 3:5&6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Grief is so tiring

I often feel so tired with grief. It weighs so heavy on my chest. 

There are some many things that are hard...

Seeing two girls about 18months apart playing with each other

Facebook! 

Thinking of times of year; Mother's Day, birthdays, being on holiday

Hearing other children with your name

Seeing other children the same age grow

Seeing double buggies 

Seeing other people go on to have their second child

Healthy babies born at 36 weeks (and going home the next day)

Being free to go out in the evening (and not limited by a newborn) 

Any babies born on tv but even more so when they are ill or die

Time on my own 

People complaining about their children 

And the list goes on.....

How other people are helping me on this road

How people can support you going through the pain of loosing a baby is a very personal thing. What helps one person may not be helpful to another but these are some of the things that have comforted me

Talking about Hannah. When your baby is born you want to show then off. Sadly I haven't been able to do that but I still want to tell people about Hannah and talk about her. This usally means explaining why she died.

Don't ask 'how are you' not great is always the answer. 'How are you getting on' is a much better question 

Don't worry about talking about Hannah to me for fear of making me remember. I'm always thinking about her. You can't say anything that will make it worse. Crying with you is better than the crying I do alone. 

Please talk to me. Sometimes about Hannah sometimes not. I am exactly like you I also don't have a clue what to say to myself let alone another person. I still don't know the right thing to say to friends I know who have miscarried or who have had their baby die. 

Please please give me advance warning of things that may be hard such as babies being born. It's so much easier to deal with when I can prepare myself mentally

Most of all if you have a question, just ask. I haven't grown two heads! Emails or text are the best way if you think it could be a hard topic for me. It means I can respond in my own time.

The last thing I want is to be treat differently. I'm trying very hard to keep going as 'normal' for the sake of my own sanity. Don't forget I'm just as surprised that this happened as you are. Never wished it, never dreamt it would happen. 

I have been very fortunate. I have had any insensitive comments but I know people who have. We understand however that this is very rarely ment to hurts us. Don't worry we're all learning how to deal with grief. I named my baby Grace Grace (Hannah means Grace). I like to think I can show grace for those around me trying to show me love.  

For other grieving parents

I originally wrote this blog for myself to express how I feel and the sorrow of loosing Hannah. I looked at the statistics today and realised I am not the only one accessing this blog. I therefore wanted to address this those reading Hannah's story and our journey. I sincerely hope you can find rest in God. I just don't know how I would be getting through this without him x

 I have borrow this from another grieving mother but I resonate with these words so strongly 

'And for you, sweet grieving mothers, know this: there is hope. As time passes, the Lord will heal. He loves you. He has a plan for you that has included (and may still include) much pain, but one that is designed to make you more like Christ. Place your trust only in Jesus. If your joy and contentment is only coming from the hope of having children, it is misplaced.  Praise God for the opportunity to carry children in your womb, even if only for a short time. Know that the pain and sorrow of this life are temporary and that if our hope is in Christ, we can endure whatever He brings. Weep, grieve deeply, but weep as one who has hope in her Savior. And remember. Remember your child whose life was not in vain.' - 

See more at: http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2013/10/hannahs-story-stillbirth/#sthash.RslA44Uq.dpuf

Can also apologise in advance for my spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors. As I said before I initially wrote this blog for myself (though I am happy for others to read it). I have written some of these posts during sleepless night and thus are full of errors. I will go and through and edit them....one day! 

Ups and downs

I try to smile when I see people. I don't want there to be an elephant in the room and I see it as my job to remove it. 

Sometimes I do smile because I am ok but sometimes I smile because its easier. I am shattered however with trying to be ok. It's so tiring and sometimes I just come home and cry due to the effort involved in being normal. 

There is no answer to why this happened to me but its a hard burden. I am very rarely not thinking about Hannah and how she should be here. I wonder when that will stop? And if it ever will? 

I feel almost ashamed to tell people I don't know well that Hannah was stillborn, that I had a baby that was still born. Not sure why. I guess I worry people will feel awkward or that even worse they won't see it as a big deal and wonder why I am telling them. 

If people do want me to talk to me about Hannah however I am very happy to tell them my story. 

When your friends have their babies

When your friends have their babies it's hard. There is no escaping that. 

Three friends from school have popped or are about to pop in the next couple of weeks. It's hard. I wish so dearly I had baby Hannah. I wish I'd gone to the hospital and I'd arrived at exactly the right time and they had been able to deliver Hannah alive. I hate this so much. I hate she's not here . I feel so powerless. I was meant to look after you Hannah but that didn't happen and I'm so sorry. Our precious little one, I wish we could see you. 

I know I need to battle against this sadness. My friend, obviously, have done nothing wrong. It's just very sad and it's my own battle to face. 

Current things I need to face...

Step 1. Going to a baby shop to buy a gift 

Step 2. Buying and writing a card 

Step 3. Visiting them

Step 4. Holding their babies 

Count those kick, worry about those odd tummy pains and pray like mad is my only advice. Sadly stillbirth does happen without warning and for no reason at all. Dont assume anything, and that is the  devastating truth. 

Meeting with the doctor to discuss why you died

We went to the hospital today get the report/results for why you may have died. 

Didn't enjoy going back to the hospital. Don't get me wrong. They did their job well when we had The complication with Hannah it just doesn't bring back nice memories. It's sad we were so close to having our little girl to raise and now we don't. It is however the place we got to see Hannah alive and swimming around at 11 week, 20 weeks and 34 weeks, very much alive. 

We went to the appointment already knowing really why Hannah died, that was that she had he cord wrapped around her ankles so many times that the blood couldn't flow. 

The results however weren't fully what we had expected. They basically showed no cause of death, that Hannah had simply died and no conclusive reason (and conclusive is the key word), could be found. There is very strong speculation though that the cord wrapped around her ankles was the cause. The cord between the placenta and the tangle round her ankles was red/purple (the correct colour) and obviously had blood flowing through it. The cord between the tangle round her ankles and her navel was very pale and looked like no blood was flowing through it. I still, despite the PM (i hate that word) not showing any signs of hypoxia believe that this was still the reason she died. There was a couple of thing that did come up however. One was that the cord had one artery instead of two. Hannah also had a small hole in her heart (but this wouldn't of caused her to die). All stuff to think about I guess. 

It's dangerous to dwell too much on these things though. Hannah is dead and nothing changes that fact. We love her dearly, miss her and wish we could've see her grow but we won't. Nothing can change that fact and knowing or not knowing why she died will not bring her back. 

Here are some of the questions I put together before we went to see the consultant. 

Question for consultant 

Hannah died at 35+3 weeks and was 6lbs 2oz when born. Is that not quite big for that gestation? 

Was the cord longer than normal? Was it attached to the placenta in a funny place? 

What causes to the cord to be tangled? The midwife did think baby was breach at one point (I'm pretty sure she turned) would this cause the cord tangling. 

Was there anything wrong with the cord? Thickness? Wharton's Jelly (not thick enough)? 

I have read these things can cause cord accidents 

Too little amniotic fluid

Abnormal blood pressure in the cord

Velamentous cord insertion

How will I know if I have these causes/features next time? 

Next time 

What scan would I have to check the cord? 3D scan 

What extra care would I get? Appointments, tests, scans, consultant care? 

Would the baby be induced early? And why

What is the risks and warning signs of it happening again? 

If it happened again how bigger window do I have to get o hospital and get baby out? 

Measuring level of amniotic fluid 

Visiting were we have laid you to rest

These are flowers that we placed on your grave after your funeral. 

I've brought some oasis so I can make arrangements for your every time we visit. I have feeling over time I will get better at this 

Love you our gorgeous Hannah x 

Another baby

We have talked about having another baby. In one way I'm up for it and another part of me is reluctant. We never planned to have more than two children...and we've had two children. 

I long to hold Hannah. I know another child won't replace Hannah but I would like to raise at least two children. My thought pattern has also shifted from only two children. Two children was the plan before Hannah. I almost feel if we raise 3 or 4 children it isn't a replacement for Hannah, but a change of plan instead. Raising two children also seems a very fragile number.

I don't know how I feel about more pregnancies. I know I will be very anxious throughout any subsequent pregnancies. I'm not sure if I could deal with any other loses (miscarriage or stillbirth). We have decided to try for another baby though. Pregnancy takes such a long time and my hope is if I do fall pregnant by the time baby comes I will feel ready? 

A New Year

It's 2014 and we have left the anguish of 2013 but 2014 hold is own grief.

It doesn't get any easier. We would have a 8 week old now. 

I was a church yesterday. A friend has just had her new baby. I'm obviously very happy for her. New life is such a gift. I just feel the pain of loosing Hannah. 

The lovely thing about the couple with the new baby is that they have been trying for a baby since Kate was born. It must of felt like a long and painful wait.

So many people I know have a new baby, are pregnant or wanting to be. 

Life seems to be full of so much hardship. In the last month I've had two friends  who have experienced miscarriage (for one friend it was there third, all while I was pregnant with Hannah). Another friend is going through her 4 cycle of failed ivf.

I feel blessed that our hardship isn't worse. We have little Kate who is such a blessing, we manage to conceive Kate and Hannah very easily, I can carry babies without genetical complication. And because Hannah died from a cord accident, so as the term describes; an accident so I am no more likely then the next person to experience it again. 

We miss you every day Hannah. My heart grieves for not seeing you grow and being part of our family.