Another day of many

Today I got a text from someone I've been getting to know. She has a little girl about the same age as Katie and we were expecting our second babies within days of each other. She had a little girl too. 

It's good she told me as she lives locally so I'm sure I will see her about. I want to tell her to savour every precious second with her little girl. She is very precious. These little miracles should never be taken lightly. I don't think I can go and see her though. Not for a while. I think my own grief will stop me from handling such a situation and I know I have to be kind on myself. There is a pang of sadness on knowing however that her baby is here. Hannah isn't here and that is sad. So sad. There is no better word than sad but then it also doesn't feel sufficient for how I feel. I feel lacking, drained from grief. I want my little Hannah back. 

I have found myself recently thinking about baby number 3. It seems wrong though. Our beautiful Hannah hasn't even been buried yet. I am clear in my mind that baby number 3 won't replace Hannah but I do feel lost without her, I understand the phase 'my arms are aching for baby I have lost'. I know we will need to think carefully about it though when we are ready and be wary of our motivates and purpose. I also know I will be heavy with worry though the entire pregnancy if it did happen. I don't want to write off nearly a year of Katie's life waiting for baby number 3. 

A scan picture of our healthy little girl Hannah just days before she died.