Ups and downs

I try to smile when I see people. I don't want there to be an elephant in the room and I see it as my job to remove it. 

Sometimes I do smile because I am ok but sometimes I smile because its easier. I am shattered however with trying to be ok. It's so tiring and sometimes I just come home and cry due to the effort involved in being normal. 

There is no answer to why this happened to me but its a hard burden. I am very rarely not thinking about Hannah and how she should be here. I wonder when that will stop? And if it ever will? 

I feel almost ashamed to tell people I don't know well that Hannah was stillborn, that I had a baby that was still born. Not sure why. I guess I worry people will feel awkward or that even worse they won't see it as a big deal and wonder why I am telling them. 

If people do want me to talk to me about Hannah however I am very happy to tell them my story.